Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, October 4, 2010
The Rooster Story/公雞之録
因为這个故事很長所以我不做翻译。内容是我小的时候跟我弟弟舆撒旦所派的公鸡作战。
____Once upon a time in the rolling farmland of Missouri there were two young boys by the name of Jimmy and Eddie. They were happy boys of four and five years old. They loved to explore and imagine grand battles between nations, or skirmishes with Indians, or plundering coasts on a pirate ship. Besides their chores they did not have a care in the world.
____Early in the spring the farm was blessed with the hatching of several chicks. It was Jimmy's and Eddie's chore to feed and care for the chicks. The young boys faithfully cared for the chicks and were filled with glee as they watched the chicks grow. Most of the chicks were hens, but there was one beautiful black rooster. As he grew he became more and more majestic. He had elegant metallic gold, red and green tail feathers. His comb and wattle were a deep blood red. His strong sinewy body rippled as he pranced about the farm, and his eyes burned and flashed with a dark luster. The boys took pride in their young rooster and showered him with gifts of grain, fat juicy grasshoppers, and more. However, the rooster had a dark soul which began to manifest itself as he aged.
____The Rooster grew in cockiness and dominance. Each day his oppressive acts grew and varied. When Jimmy and Eddie went to fetch the eggs he began to give chase, and this daily task became a trial of speed!. The poor boys clutched the fragile eggs to their chests and ran as fast as their legs could carry them. Far too often the rooster would catch them and leap upon their backs pecking and clawing and buffeting them with his powerful black wings. Using their bodies to shield the eggs the boys suffered brutal attacks before they could stumble to safety.
____The simple task of going out to the barn to feed the other animals became a dreadful ordeal. Daily the boys would encounter the rooster! He would use those powerful black wings and sharp talons to herd the boys like dumb sheep into corners where the only escape was through the rooster. His gaze! His terrible smoldering black eyes would bore into the boys' soul, rooting them helplessly to the spot. Jimmy and Eddie spent many pitiful hours standing, whimpering, and cowering in fear. The evil fowl would wait for the slightest movement and then burst forward in a flying fury of feathers, showering the boys with pecks and scratches as they made a frenzied dash for safety finding speed that only the deepest terror can bring to one's aid!
___Jimmy and Eddie were not the only victims of the feathered beast. The Rooster fought and killed a new rooster that had been introduced to the farm within 24 hours of its arrival. A plethora of cat, dogs and other varmints felt the roosters wrath as well. He was the King! The conquering war lord of the barnyard! Even the boys' grandpa fell prey to the rooster.
___Grandpa Bennion had come for sunday dinner. Jimmy and Eddie confided in him their sad plight. Grandpa Bennion being a desert hardened, leathery, grumbling old farmer took the boys out to show them just how you dealt with roosters like this. As they rounded the corner of the barn there stood the great and terrible Rooster! A year had passed since his hatching and the Rooster was in his prime. He stood over two foot tall now and was a perfect specimen, everything a guardian of the hens should be! Grandpa Bennion and the Rooster faced up, each one sizing his opponent, and both stood motionless. Grandpa Bennion was the first to move! He lunged forward simultaneously swinging his stout walking stick to strike down the vile creature. The Rooster ducked this killing blow and flew straight into Grandpa Bennions face. Knocking the old man down as he stumbled backwards. Suffering more injuries to his pride than anything else, the Grandpa muttered curses as they retreated, and said, "a rooster like that needs shot!"
___Jimmy and Eddie had suffered bitterly for months. The grapes of wrath were so ripe they were splitting and screaming to be trod! The boys wanted the rooster dead, and they took their grievances before their father. He looked on their situation with apathy and told them he would take no active role in the killing of the rooster. However he did give them permission to kill him if they could. Long months of oppression had built deep reservoirs of hate within the boys' hearts, and they drew from this to find the courage to challenge the bane of their existence!
___Jimmy and Eddie knew their foe was swift, cunning, and powerful. They began to plot and scheme how they might kill the beast! They feared an outright encounter so their plans were all ambushes and traps. Holes with sharp pointy sticks at the bottom, cinder blocks and rocks precariously balanced on the edge of barrels were just a few of the traps they thought up. The traps that all killed and maimed the rooster so brilliantly in their minds were all sad disappointments in reality.
____Failure drove the boys to more desperate attempts. They formulated a master plan that was both daring and devious. They got some big long sticks and sneaked up behind the rooster to pummel him to death. It was a bright sunny day and the boys crouched about 10 yards behind the rooster's back behind a few barrels. The boys paused to steel themselves for the bold attack they were about to make. As they took a few more deep breaths the rooster imbued with some unearthly power sensed a threatening presence and spun about! Letting rip a blood chilling squawk he charged upon the poor boys who dropped their sticks and ran!
____The lads fearing an outright attack turned to more wily tactics. Along the South side of the property was an asparagus patch, and at the time the ferns were nice and thick. Using the patch as their hiding place they poured a pile of grain out front and laid wait for the rooster. The boys were confident that this would be the end. They could already see the rooster lying dead and bleeding at their feet with his heart pierced by the pellet of their older brothers air rifle! However, the rifle was a bit long for the small boys to handle so the younger of the two laid down and they propped it up on him while the older manned the trigger. They waited awhile in that dense jungle of asparagus fern. Their patience was nearly spent when suddenly the rooster walked into their ambush. Their hearts pounded within them, and the elder took careful aim at the rooster. With a trembling hand he pulled the trigger. CRACK! The rooster leaped into the air with a loud SQUUAAAAKK and dashed away. Had they got him? The boys uncertain of the roosters fate went about their nightly chores. Their worst fears were confirmed when they gathered eggs that night. The rooster as mean as ever chased and harassed the boys! FAILURE!
_____Their hope was running thin. The boys were beginning to believe the rooster was some immortal terror that was spawned from the depths of a most fiery and dreadful hell. As their spirits sunk in despair and the mood grew thick and gloomy an idea sparked in their minds! Like a ray of bright sunshine in the depth of winter lending it's warmth to a poor frozen soul the boys leaped in joy. The spark that ignited hope within their breasts!
____The rooster always gave chase when the boys gathered the eggs. They would use this to their aid. The next day when they gathered eggs instead of fleeing the rooster blindly they would run into the barn. Behind the door they had concealed their weapons of choice.... hockey sticks! The rooster would chase them into the barn and they would slam the doors shut blocking off all routes of escape and proceed to club him to death. It was a do or die plan... failure would mean death by the rooster!
____The moment arrived. The younger concealed himself behind the door with the sticks and the elder went to fetch the rooster. Reliably the rooster gave chase and the elder pounded across the ground to the barn. The two dashed into the barn and the elder screamed to cue the younger. BOOM! The echoing thud of the door as it closed upon three.
___SMASH! The eggs the elder was carrying lay broken on the ground as he and his brother took up their hockey sticks. The boys fell upon the rooster blindly swinging with no regard to whether they hit one another or the rooster. The air was filled with straw, dust and feathers as the three whirled and pounded about the floor locked in a battle so epic that poets would sing and write of it for ages to come. After what seemed an eternity the haze of battle left the boys minds and they realized their opponent dead and mangled on the floor. When he had fallen they knew not, but it was over! Blood oozed from his skull and his body lay in a crumpled heap with his wings and legs pointed out at unnatural angles. The boys were FREE! The terror of the barnyard was beaten! No more to oppress and harass!
___They spread the good news to their father who told them they needed to bury him. The boys with a new spring in their step grabbed the rooster and some shovels and drug the rooster out to the edge of the property. Being young and on account of Missouri's rocky soil the hole was not too deep. They shoved the rooster's limp carcass into the hole and scraped a thin layer of dirt over him just as the sun was setting.
___They stood there for a moment enjoying the feelings of victory and freedom. When suddenly... SQUUUUAAAAAAAKKKKKKK!!!!! The rooster burst forth from the ground showering the boys with dirt! Indescribable terror clinched the boys rooting them fast to the ground, they could not believe the creature that stood before them! Luckily the terror activated their most primitive instinct...... KILL!!! Using the shovels the boys beat the rooster and then beat him some more. Finally they finished him off with some more good beating. What once was a rooster was now a bloody and mangled lump of feathery flesh. Kicking this heap across the fence the boys ran home. The feelings of triumph had fled and were replaced by fatigue of body and soul. They had beaten the rooster, but he had put up a demonic fight. He was dead, but the boys were not without wounds and scars. The fight was ended.
____Once upon a time in the rolling farmland of Missouri there were two young boys by the name of Jimmy and Eddie. They were happy boys of four and five years old. They loved to explore and imagine grand battles between nations, or skirmishes with Indians, or plundering coasts on a pirate ship. Besides their chores they did not have a care in the world.
____Early in the spring the farm was blessed with the hatching of several chicks. It was Jimmy's and Eddie's chore to feed and care for the chicks. The young boys faithfully cared for the chicks and were filled with glee as they watched the chicks grow. Most of the chicks were hens, but there was one beautiful black rooster. As he grew he became more and more majestic. He had elegant metallic gold, red and green tail feathers. His comb and wattle were a deep blood red. His strong sinewy body rippled as he pranced about the farm, and his eyes burned and flashed with a dark luster. The boys took pride in their young rooster and showered him with gifts of grain, fat juicy grasshoppers, and more. However, the rooster had a dark soul which began to manifest itself as he aged.
____The Rooster grew in cockiness and dominance. Each day his oppressive acts grew and varied. When Jimmy and Eddie went to fetch the eggs he began to give chase, and this daily task became a trial of speed!. The poor boys clutched the fragile eggs to their chests and ran as fast as their legs could carry them. Far too often the rooster would catch them and leap upon their backs pecking and clawing and buffeting them with his powerful black wings. Using their bodies to shield the eggs the boys suffered brutal attacks before they could stumble to safety.
____The simple task of going out to the barn to feed the other animals became a dreadful ordeal. Daily the boys would encounter the rooster! He would use those powerful black wings and sharp talons to herd the boys like dumb sheep into corners where the only escape was through the rooster. His gaze! His terrible smoldering black eyes would bore into the boys' soul, rooting them helplessly to the spot. Jimmy and Eddie spent many pitiful hours standing, whimpering, and cowering in fear. The evil fowl would wait for the slightest movement and then burst forward in a flying fury of feathers, showering the boys with pecks and scratches as they made a frenzied dash for safety finding speed that only the deepest terror can bring to one's aid!
___Jimmy and Eddie were not the only victims of the feathered beast. The Rooster fought and killed a new rooster that had been introduced to the farm within 24 hours of its arrival. A plethora of cat, dogs and other varmints felt the roosters wrath as well. He was the King! The conquering war lord of the barnyard! Even the boys' grandpa fell prey to the rooster.
___Grandpa Bennion had come for sunday dinner. Jimmy and Eddie confided in him their sad plight. Grandpa Bennion being a desert hardened, leathery, grumbling old farmer took the boys out to show them just how you dealt with roosters like this. As they rounded the corner of the barn there stood the great and terrible Rooster! A year had passed since his hatching and the Rooster was in his prime. He stood over two foot tall now and was a perfect specimen, everything a guardian of the hens should be! Grandpa Bennion and the Rooster faced up, each one sizing his opponent, and both stood motionless. Grandpa Bennion was the first to move! He lunged forward simultaneously swinging his stout walking stick to strike down the vile creature. The Rooster ducked this killing blow and flew straight into Grandpa Bennions face. Knocking the old man down as he stumbled backwards. Suffering more injuries to his pride than anything else, the Grandpa muttered curses as they retreated, and said, "a rooster like that needs shot!"
___Jimmy and Eddie had suffered bitterly for months. The grapes of wrath were so ripe they were splitting and screaming to be trod! The boys wanted the rooster dead, and they took their grievances before their father. He looked on their situation with apathy and told them he would take no active role in the killing of the rooster. However he did give them permission to kill him if they could. Long months of oppression had built deep reservoirs of hate within the boys' hearts, and they drew from this to find the courage to challenge the bane of their existence!
___Jimmy and Eddie knew their foe was swift, cunning, and powerful. They began to plot and scheme how they might kill the beast! They feared an outright encounter so their plans were all ambushes and traps. Holes with sharp pointy sticks at the bottom, cinder blocks and rocks precariously balanced on the edge of barrels were just a few of the traps they thought up. The traps that all killed and maimed the rooster so brilliantly in their minds were all sad disappointments in reality.
____Failure drove the boys to more desperate attempts. They formulated a master plan that was both daring and devious. They got some big long sticks and sneaked up behind the rooster to pummel him to death. It was a bright sunny day and the boys crouched about 10 yards behind the rooster's back behind a few barrels. The boys paused to steel themselves for the bold attack they were about to make. As they took a few more deep breaths the rooster imbued with some unearthly power sensed a threatening presence and spun about! Letting rip a blood chilling squawk he charged upon the poor boys who dropped their sticks and ran!
____The lads fearing an outright attack turned to more wily tactics. Along the South side of the property was an asparagus patch, and at the time the ferns were nice and thick. Using the patch as their hiding place they poured a pile of grain out front and laid wait for the rooster. The boys were confident that this would be the end. They could already see the rooster lying dead and bleeding at their feet with his heart pierced by the pellet of their older brothers air rifle! However, the rifle was a bit long for the small boys to handle so the younger of the two laid down and they propped it up on him while the older manned the trigger. They waited awhile in that dense jungle of asparagus fern. Their patience was nearly spent when suddenly the rooster walked into their ambush. Their hearts pounded within them, and the elder took careful aim at the rooster. With a trembling hand he pulled the trigger. CRACK! The rooster leaped into the air with a loud SQUUAAAAKK and dashed away. Had they got him? The boys uncertain of the roosters fate went about their nightly chores. Their worst fears were confirmed when they gathered eggs that night. The rooster as mean as ever chased and harassed the boys! FAILURE!
_____Their hope was running thin. The boys were beginning to believe the rooster was some immortal terror that was spawned from the depths of a most fiery and dreadful hell. As their spirits sunk in despair and the mood grew thick and gloomy an idea sparked in their minds! Like a ray of bright sunshine in the depth of winter lending it's warmth to a poor frozen soul the boys leaped in joy. The spark that ignited hope within their breasts!
____The rooster always gave chase when the boys gathered the eggs. They would use this to their aid. The next day when they gathered eggs instead of fleeing the rooster blindly they would run into the barn. Behind the door they had concealed their weapons of choice.... hockey sticks! The rooster would chase them into the barn and they would slam the doors shut blocking off all routes of escape and proceed to club him to death. It was a do or die plan... failure would mean death by the rooster!
____The moment arrived. The younger concealed himself behind the door with the sticks and the elder went to fetch the rooster. Reliably the rooster gave chase and the elder pounded across the ground to the barn. The two dashed into the barn and the elder screamed to cue the younger. BOOM! The echoing thud of the door as it closed upon three.
___SMASH! The eggs the elder was carrying lay broken on the ground as he and his brother took up their hockey sticks. The boys fell upon the rooster blindly swinging with no regard to whether they hit one another or the rooster. The air was filled with straw, dust and feathers as the three whirled and pounded about the floor locked in a battle so epic that poets would sing and write of it for ages to come. After what seemed an eternity the haze of battle left the boys minds and they realized their opponent dead and mangled on the floor. When he had fallen they knew not, but it was over! Blood oozed from his skull and his body lay in a crumpled heap with his wings and legs pointed out at unnatural angles. The boys were FREE! The terror of the barnyard was beaten! No more to oppress and harass!
___They spread the good news to their father who told them they needed to bury him. The boys with a new spring in their step grabbed the rooster and some shovels and drug the rooster out to the edge of the property. Being young and on account of Missouri's rocky soil the hole was not too deep. They shoved the rooster's limp carcass into the hole and scraped a thin layer of dirt over him just as the sun was setting.
___They stood there for a moment enjoying the feelings of victory and freedom. When suddenly... SQUUUUAAAAAAAKKKKKKK!!!!! The rooster burst forth from the ground showering the boys with dirt! Indescribable terror clinched the boys rooting them fast to the ground, they could not believe the creature that stood before them! Luckily the terror activated their most primitive instinct...... KILL!!! Using the shovels the boys beat the rooster and then beat him some more. Finally they finished him off with some more good beating. What once was a rooster was now a bloody and mangled lump of feathery flesh. Kicking this heap across the fence the boys ran home. The feelings of triumph had fled and were replaced by fatigue of body and soul. They had beaten the rooster, but he had put up a demonic fight. He was dead, but the boys were not without wounds and scars. The fight was ended.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Hot-Dog MADNESS!!!
So....... 2 weeks ago I bumped into James, an old running buddy, at school. We caught each other up on the last few years of life and shared some funny stories. James mentioned how at the annual MSSU 5k race my brother Eddie, currently serving a mission in Russia, had run the race in a hot-dog suit. We decided it would be sweet to carry on the tradition. That afternoon I started my 2-week crash course training which I followed faithfully each day. The first several day were awful and I felt like a cripple. A pizza slice costume was ordered to compliment the hot-dog suit and we were set.
A week before the race we got some bad news. MSSU had cancelled the fun-run, the race for the general public. WHAT!!!! We were devastated so we posted it to our status on facebook. Several faithful comrades all suggested that we go anyways. So we did. It was sweet.
We ran about acting ridiculous and we started the race but were ejected by an official event guy before we had covered a half mile. I was kind of glad because the combination of sun, running, and a hot-dog suit was extremely hot and humid. It was actually raining inside my costume....
We cheered the runners and then to top it off I went to Wal-mart, Braums, and Sam's Club wearing the hot-dog suit. The crowd reactions were hilarious. Little kids were intimidated, some sang the oscar meyer wiener song when I passed, and others just laughed. People even had their pictures taken with me.
This is going to be a yearly event so everyone needs to put it on your calenders and get a food item costume.
大家好！兩個禮拜前我遇到了我高中的铜學James。我们聊得很愉快。他有告诉我在下下個禮拜六是MSSU大學每年班的路跑。去年我的弟弟eddie 有去参加。他也穿了热狗的服装去跑步。因为我的弟弟目前在俄罗斯傳教他没有機會來，所以我们决定了要保持傳统。我買了一件pizza 的服装和開是天天跑步，準備自己跑5公里。
這是我媽拍得一些照片。跑步完我還穿了热狗的服装去買東西。大家都一直看我，幾個人也跟我拍照了。
明年我们要再参加所以歡迎大家也跟我们一起参加！只要準備服装！
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Solar Shark/太阳能的鲨鱼!
This is the sweet action solar bike I have been working on. I named him the "Solar Shark," neat name if you ask me. When I ride it on the the road I get tons of looks.這是我的太阳能的脚踏車！我命名它为太阳能的鲨鱼。我在路上骑的時候大家都在看我的非常帅的脚踏車
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sleepover in Cell Block-C
Sleepover in Cell Block-C
A true story
Written by Jimmy Hansen
Hehehe… Well it all started back in February. I was coming home from YSA and coasted a little too fast into town. Right at the bottom of the hill Mr. Po was waiting for me and pulled me over. He didn’t write me a ticket for speeding, but the insurance card had expired and I had not switched in the new one. So he gave me a court date for April the 8th.
The weeks went by and in the hustle and bustle of life I completely forgot about the court date to prove that I had current car insurance. A few days later I remembered and went in to City Hall to clear things up. The secretary there told me there was a warrant out for my arrest, but since it was such a petty misdemeanor the sheriff would not round me up. She said I could just lay low till May 13th. Sounded like a plan to me, and I put the matter out of my mind.
Monday when I arrived at home Luke, my little brother, said the sheriff had come by and asked for me. The sheriff said he had some papers I needed to fill out and I needed to contact them, turns out this was a tricky lie. Eleven o’clock that night I was in my room about to sleep when my dad called for me to go downstairs. I started to get up and my dad surprised me by running up the stairs to get me. I don’t think I had ever seen the old man move up the stairs so quick!
“Grab your I.D. Jim.”
“Is it the sheriff?”
“Yeah.”
What the blazes was the sheriff doing here this late. Was his paperwork that important to finish? I met the sheriff in the front entry way. He was fairly tall, had a mustache, and at his side was his faithful Latino sidekick in a baseball cap.
“Howdi,” I said in somewhat cautious tone.
“Hi I’m sheriff Miles, I’m here about the warrant out for your arrest”
“So you are going to arrest me?”
“Well I’m gonna call it in right now and If we confirm the 99 then we will have to take you in. Can I see your I.D.”
I handed over my license.
“This is sheriff Miles, I need to confirm the 99 for James A as in alpha Hansen, he is a white male.”
“What’s a 99,” my dad growled.
“I’m confirming the 99 er… I mean warrant,”
“And if it is confirmed?”
“If the warrant is confirmed then we have to take him in, if it is not then he stays here.”
Dad had spent hours under Katie’s car that night switching out the radiator hose that was in the most hard to get at place and he was fairly tired and out of patience. Also with his face and hands smeared with grease and soot he looked very menacing.
“This is ridiculous! You don’t need to arrest him. All he did was forget to place the new insurance card in the glove box, and then we were out of town and he missed his court date. You have better things to do than arrest students! He even went in and tried to clear it up and they said until the next court date in May there was nothing to do about it. Now you show up at eleven o’clock at night to arrest my son, I am just seething inside! A little communication would solve this problem!”
The sheriff got defensive and stammered back some excuse about his duty and there was nothing he could do about it, and how he could have arrested me in school and embarrassed me in front of my friends.
Dad must have figured it was a waste of air to reply because he just nodded his head with a disgusted look on his face.
“Well, the 99 has been confirmed so I’m gonna have to take you in for processing and then it will be a 207 dollar, cash only bail.”
“No checks?” dad asked
“Nope, cash only.”
“I won’t be able to go to the bank till the morning.”
“Swell,” I thought. This means I get to spend the night in jail.
“If you have anything in your pockets you want to leave behind now is the time to take it out.”
I emptied my pockets into my dads hands.
“Now turn around and put your hands behind your back, palms together.”
He clamped the cuffs down on my wrists and then took me by the arm and we went out the door.
“Nuts,” I thought. I was really getting arrested and to top it off it was for the most ridiculous reason. Might as well make the best of it, and I decided to have a fun stay in jail.
The sheriff let me into the back of the car and I had to lay sideways to keep the cuffs from digging into my wrists and back. The ride over was uneventful except that the sheriff was going 75 on a 55 mph road. What a boofer.
When we got to the jail house I was shuffled in and patted down. The night deputies were chill and asked me about school, life, and we even talked about my mission some. They said my mug shots were the best they had ever seen. They put me into a room to strip and shower and put on the county inmate oranges with a pair of classy, matching orange sandals. The suit was surprisingly comfortable and were just like scrubs only made of a thicker canvas-like material.
Then deputies escorted me back to cell block C.
“Grab a pad there”
Beside the door was a pile of the most dilapidated old green vinyl mats. The vinyl was all cracked and flaking and the foam was so old that it had zero spring to it. Swell! Sleeping on that was gonna be comfortable. They also handed me two coarse brown sheets and a blanket, but sadly they do not provide pillows.
Whoosh! The door to the cell popped open(the doors had air locks so they all whooshed whenever you opened them).
“Find a spot to sleep on the floor,” the deputy mumbled as he shut the door behind me.
I tiptoed over to the farthest corner away from the inmates. A couple of them looked up at me upon entering, but they just rolled over and went back to sleep. I laid out my bedding and then sat down facing everybody. I won’t lie, I was nervous. I did not want any of these guys messing with me. After a while I said a prayer that the other inmates would not bother me and then I went to sleep.
I woke up somewhere around 4:30ish. Not for sure because there are no clocks in jail, so I am guesstimating. I didn’t want to go back to sleep so I just sat up in bed. The hum of the fluorescent lights and the shifting of blankets as people rolled over were the only noises. I was getting way bored so I started counting blocks in the wall. I counted a total of 2,056 blocks. After about an hour or so the deputies came over the loud speaker and told us to get out of bed. None of the other inmates even budged. Any minute now the deputies would pour into the cell and start clubbing people, but instead the door popped open and they left us with a broom and a mop to clean.
Finally an old guy with a long gray beard rolled out of bed. After he did his morning business he went and waited by the door. After a few minutes the slot popped open and they gave him some pills. I bet they were crazy pills, because after that he started pacing the cell and he would pace right up next to me. It was creepy, and the other guys called him Old McDonald. I only I had stayed in jail a few days longer I might also have earned a sweet jail-name!
By now most everyone had gotten out of bed and were chatting and cleaning up the cell. Everyone kept staring at me. They were all curious about the “new guy.” I didn’t exactly feel like being social, so I was doing my best to keep my eyes on the floor, and stay out of everyone’s way. I had to wizz bad but I didn’t want to get up and cross the cell to the toilet. What if somebody decided to punch me in the face or something? You can only hold it so long so I got up and crossed the cell. The Toilet was just a stainless steel bowl. Above it was a sign that read “Please wipe the rim after you pee,”(I edited it for the children). I did my stuff, wiped the rim down and headed back over to my corner. On the way an inmate stepped in front of me. He was average height, shaved head with a beard, gnarly tattoos all over, and looked like he was 45 years old give or take. I’ll refer to him as tough guy.
“What you in for,” he asked.
“Oh… I failed to appear in court and provide proof of car insurance.”
“Hehehe… that’s #%$@* Newton County for you! They’ll bring you in for nothing.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with a nervous smile as I backed around him into my corner. I sat back down and watched the other inmates. Most had gone back to bed, a few were writing letters or reading, and Old McDonald was pacing up and down.
There was a clank as the grate opened and everyone hopped out of bed and lined up. I got in the back of the line, didn’t want to disturb the hierarchy. Breakfast consisted of two slices of toast, a ball of peanut butter spread, a bowl of frosted flakes, and a cup of coffee and milk. I went to sit down at one of the tables, but before my butt even touched the seat 3 inmates in a matter of fact kind of way said,
“You can’t sit there.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. I took my tray and sat down on the floor by my mat. I guess I didn’t qualify for a seat at the table, but no worries keeping the other inmates happy was my goal.
The food was not filling and except for the coffee it was all gone in just a few minutes. I didn’t know what to do with it. It was against the rules to share food and trade stuff, but if I tossed it the other inmates might get ticked. Tough guy solved my problem.
“You gonna drink that coffee?”
I shook my head no.
“Then pour it in this cup,” he muttered as he tossed me a Styrofoam cup. Sitting on the floor turned out to my advantage since it blocked me from the guards view, and they couldn’t see me give tough guy my coffee.
“This is good coffee,” and tough guy grinned as he sipped his double helping.
After breakfast there was a lot of conversation going on. The conversations mainly centered on crimes committed, encounters with the police, and which prisons you had spent time in. Tough guy was bragging about how he had been here for four months and was going to the state penitentiary next week. Their language was all very coarse. After awhile it quieted down, and everyone resumed their normal activities. That is most everyone went back to bed except for two letter writers and Old McDonald who was pacing up and down still. One of the inmates writing a letter asked me what I was in for. I told him of the heinous crime I had committed and he just laughed. Then the other guy who was listening in started giving me jail pointers.
“Make sure that before you flush the toilet yell out fire in the hole, cause if someone is showering they’ll get scalded. Then they’ll be ticked off at you and you don’t want anyone ticked off at you.”
I certainly did not want anyone ticked off at me, but there was no way I was using the toilet in front of everyone. No privacy in jail.
“Also, make sure you wipe the seat down when you pee”
“Yeah, and if you need anything come to us don’t ask the guards,” the other guy chimed in.
“Thanks guys.” Yikes! Looks like I’ve met the underground.
“How do you tell time in here?”
“We mainly guess,” he replied.
Talk about mind torture. I had only been in jail for 8 hours and I already felt like I would go crazy from boredom. Half these guys must be deranged when they finally get out of here.
I could almost feel the boredom attacking my head. To entertain myself I watched the inmates and tried to understand prison life. It was very dull.
“James Hansen grab your things and meet us at the door,” blared the loud speaker.
Yes! I’m getting out of here. I grabbed my gear and walked over to the door, but before I’d made it halfway across the cell tough guy had stopped me.
“Gimme your towel.”
“uh…”
He reached out and just swapped my fresh towel for his rank one. I could care less, I was getting out and the guards couldn’t punish me anymore. Plus there is was no need to make tough guy unhappy.
Whoosh! The door opened and two deputies escorted me out to the desk. The night shift deputies had been very friendly but these two were jerks. I guess they take the job of processing a criminal like me seriously. They wore no smiles and barked all their orders at me. They brought out my box of belongings and a nice color copy of my mug shots was in the box.
“Can I keep these,” I asked?
“No! I wouldn’t think this is something you would want to remember,” the deputy snapped. He snatched up my mug shots and tossed them into the trash. Well Brrmmpphh!! Somebody didn’t get their jelly filled donut this morning!
“Out these doors”
Whoosh! Click, Whoosh! Click.
I was outside and a free man once more!
The End
A true story
Written by Jimmy Hansen
Hehehe… Well it all started back in February. I was coming home from YSA and coasted a little too fast into town. Right at the bottom of the hill Mr. Po was waiting for me and pulled me over. He didn’t write me a ticket for speeding, but the insurance card had expired and I had not switched in the new one. So he gave me a court date for April the 8th.
The weeks went by and in the hustle and bustle of life I completely forgot about the court date to prove that I had current car insurance. A few days later I remembered and went in to City Hall to clear things up. The secretary there told me there was a warrant out for my arrest, but since it was such a petty misdemeanor the sheriff would not round me up. She said I could just lay low till May 13th. Sounded like a plan to me, and I put the matter out of my mind.
Monday when I arrived at home Luke, my little brother, said the sheriff had come by and asked for me. The sheriff said he had some papers I needed to fill out and I needed to contact them, turns out this was a tricky lie. Eleven o’clock that night I was in my room about to sleep when my dad called for me to go downstairs. I started to get up and my dad surprised me by running up the stairs to get me. I don’t think I had ever seen the old man move up the stairs so quick!
“Grab your I.D. Jim.”
“Is it the sheriff?”
“Yeah.”
What the blazes was the sheriff doing here this late. Was his paperwork that important to finish? I met the sheriff in the front entry way. He was fairly tall, had a mustache, and at his side was his faithful Latino sidekick in a baseball cap.
“Howdi,” I said in somewhat cautious tone.
“Hi I’m sheriff Miles, I’m here about the warrant out for your arrest”
“So you are going to arrest me?”
“Well I’m gonna call it in right now and If we confirm the 99 then we will have to take you in. Can I see your I.D.”
I handed over my license.
“This is sheriff Miles, I need to confirm the 99 for James A as in alpha Hansen, he is a white male.”
“What’s a 99,” my dad growled.
“I’m confirming the 99 er… I mean warrant,”
“And if it is confirmed?”
“If the warrant is confirmed then we have to take him in, if it is not then he stays here.”
Dad had spent hours under Katie’s car that night switching out the radiator hose that was in the most hard to get at place and he was fairly tired and out of patience. Also with his face and hands smeared with grease and soot he looked very menacing.
“This is ridiculous! You don’t need to arrest him. All he did was forget to place the new insurance card in the glove box, and then we were out of town and he missed his court date. You have better things to do than arrest students! He even went in and tried to clear it up and they said until the next court date in May there was nothing to do about it. Now you show up at eleven o’clock at night to arrest my son, I am just seething inside! A little communication would solve this problem!”
The sheriff got defensive and stammered back some excuse about his duty and there was nothing he could do about it, and how he could have arrested me in school and embarrassed me in front of my friends.
Dad must have figured it was a waste of air to reply because he just nodded his head with a disgusted look on his face.
“Well, the 99 has been confirmed so I’m gonna have to take you in for processing and then it will be a 207 dollar, cash only bail.”
“No checks?” dad asked
“Nope, cash only.”
“I won’t be able to go to the bank till the morning.”
“Swell,” I thought. This means I get to spend the night in jail.
“If you have anything in your pockets you want to leave behind now is the time to take it out.”
I emptied my pockets into my dads hands.
“Now turn around and put your hands behind your back, palms together.”
He clamped the cuffs down on my wrists and then took me by the arm and we went out the door.
“Nuts,” I thought. I was really getting arrested and to top it off it was for the most ridiculous reason. Might as well make the best of it, and I decided to have a fun stay in jail.
The sheriff let me into the back of the car and I had to lay sideways to keep the cuffs from digging into my wrists and back. The ride over was uneventful except that the sheriff was going 75 on a 55 mph road. What a boofer.
When we got to the jail house I was shuffled in and patted down. The night deputies were chill and asked me about school, life, and we even talked about my mission some. They said my mug shots were the best they had ever seen. They put me into a room to strip and shower and put on the county inmate oranges with a pair of classy, matching orange sandals. The suit was surprisingly comfortable and were just like scrubs only made of a thicker canvas-like material.
Then deputies escorted me back to cell block C.
“Grab a pad there”
Beside the door was a pile of the most dilapidated old green vinyl mats. The vinyl was all cracked and flaking and the foam was so old that it had zero spring to it. Swell! Sleeping on that was gonna be comfortable. They also handed me two coarse brown sheets and a blanket, but sadly they do not provide pillows.
Whoosh! The door to the cell popped open(the doors had air locks so they all whooshed whenever you opened them).
“Find a spot to sleep on the floor,” the deputy mumbled as he shut the door behind me.
I tiptoed over to the farthest corner away from the inmates. A couple of them looked up at me upon entering, but they just rolled over and went back to sleep. I laid out my bedding and then sat down facing everybody. I won’t lie, I was nervous. I did not want any of these guys messing with me. After a while I said a prayer that the other inmates would not bother me and then I went to sleep.
I woke up somewhere around 4:30ish. Not for sure because there are no clocks in jail, so I am guesstimating. I didn’t want to go back to sleep so I just sat up in bed. The hum of the fluorescent lights and the shifting of blankets as people rolled over were the only noises. I was getting way bored so I started counting blocks in the wall. I counted a total of 2,056 blocks. After about an hour or so the deputies came over the loud speaker and told us to get out of bed. None of the other inmates even budged. Any minute now the deputies would pour into the cell and start clubbing people, but instead the door popped open and they left us with a broom and a mop to clean.
Finally an old guy with a long gray beard rolled out of bed. After he did his morning business he went and waited by the door. After a few minutes the slot popped open and they gave him some pills. I bet they were crazy pills, because after that he started pacing the cell and he would pace right up next to me. It was creepy, and the other guys called him Old McDonald. I only I had stayed in jail a few days longer I might also have earned a sweet jail-name!
By now most everyone had gotten out of bed and were chatting and cleaning up the cell. Everyone kept staring at me. They were all curious about the “new guy.” I didn’t exactly feel like being social, so I was doing my best to keep my eyes on the floor, and stay out of everyone’s way. I had to wizz bad but I didn’t want to get up and cross the cell to the toilet. What if somebody decided to punch me in the face or something? You can only hold it so long so I got up and crossed the cell. The Toilet was just a stainless steel bowl. Above it was a sign that read “Please wipe the rim after you pee,”(I edited it for the children). I did my stuff, wiped the rim down and headed back over to my corner. On the way an inmate stepped in front of me. He was average height, shaved head with a beard, gnarly tattoos all over, and looked like he was 45 years old give or take. I’ll refer to him as tough guy.
“What you in for,” he asked.
“Oh… I failed to appear in court and provide proof of car insurance.”
“Hehehe… that’s #%$@* Newton County for you! They’ll bring you in for nothing.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with a nervous smile as I backed around him into my corner. I sat back down and watched the other inmates. Most had gone back to bed, a few were writing letters or reading, and Old McDonald was pacing up and down.
There was a clank as the grate opened and everyone hopped out of bed and lined up. I got in the back of the line, didn’t want to disturb the hierarchy. Breakfast consisted of two slices of toast, a ball of peanut butter spread, a bowl of frosted flakes, and a cup of coffee and milk. I went to sit down at one of the tables, but before my butt even touched the seat 3 inmates in a matter of fact kind of way said,
“You can’t sit there.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. I took my tray and sat down on the floor by my mat. I guess I didn’t qualify for a seat at the table, but no worries keeping the other inmates happy was my goal.
The food was not filling and except for the coffee it was all gone in just a few minutes. I didn’t know what to do with it. It was against the rules to share food and trade stuff, but if I tossed it the other inmates might get ticked. Tough guy solved my problem.
“You gonna drink that coffee?”
I shook my head no.
“Then pour it in this cup,” he muttered as he tossed me a Styrofoam cup. Sitting on the floor turned out to my advantage since it blocked me from the guards view, and they couldn’t see me give tough guy my coffee.
“This is good coffee,” and tough guy grinned as he sipped his double helping.
After breakfast there was a lot of conversation going on. The conversations mainly centered on crimes committed, encounters with the police, and which prisons you had spent time in. Tough guy was bragging about how he had been here for four months and was going to the state penitentiary next week. Their language was all very coarse. After awhile it quieted down, and everyone resumed their normal activities. That is most everyone went back to bed except for two letter writers and Old McDonald who was pacing up and down still. One of the inmates writing a letter asked me what I was in for. I told him of the heinous crime I had committed and he just laughed. Then the other guy who was listening in started giving me jail pointers.
“Make sure that before you flush the toilet yell out fire in the hole, cause if someone is showering they’ll get scalded. Then they’ll be ticked off at you and you don’t want anyone ticked off at you.”
I certainly did not want anyone ticked off at me, but there was no way I was using the toilet in front of everyone. No privacy in jail.
“Also, make sure you wipe the seat down when you pee”
“Yeah, and if you need anything come to us don’t ask the guards,” the other guy chimed in.
“Thanks guys.” Yikes! Looks like I’ve met the underground.
“How do you tell time in here?”
“We mainly guess,” he replied.
Talk about mind torture. I had only been in jail for 8 hours and I already felt like I would go crazy from boredom. Half these guys must be deranged when they finally get out of here.
I could almost feel the boredom attacking my head. To entertain myself I watched the inmates and tried to understand prison life. It was very dull.
“James Hansen grab your things and meet us at the door,” blared the loud speaker.
Yes! I’m getting out of here. I grabbed my gear and walked over to the door, but before I’d made it halfway across the cell tough guy had stopped me.
“Gimme your towel.”
“uh…”
He reached out and just swapped my fresh towel for his rank one. I could care less, I was getting out and the guards couldn’t punish me anymore. Plus there is was no need to make tough guy unhappy.
Whoosh! The door opened and two deputies escorted me out to the desk. The night shift deputies had been very friendly but these two were jerks. I guess they take the job of processing a criminal like me seriously. They wore no smiles and barked all their orders at me. They brought out my box of belongings and a nice color copy of my mug shots was in the box.
“Can I keep these,” I asked?
“No! I wouldn’t think this is something you would want to remember,” the deputy snapped. He snatched up my mug shots and tossed them into the trash. Well Brrmmpphh!! Somebody didn’t get their jelly filled donut this morning!
“Out these doors”
Whoosh! Click, Whoosh! Click.
I was outside and a free man once more!
The End
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Family Outing to Utah
For Easter weekend my parents, three little brothers and I drove out to Utah to watch conference and visit el familia. It was a swell drive out and we were making record time till we hit a snowstorm in Wyoming. At first we just had to drive slowly, but it got so bad that the interstate was closed and we had to sit in Laramie for ages. My mother fell into the worst of spirits and began to murmur and complain against my father. She said how betrayed she felt that she had been talked into taking such a trip, and how everything awful happens to us. However, as soon as the interstate opened she was in the best of moods as if nothing had happened. I can easily think of one scriptural figure we could compare her to.
We arrived in Utah at my aunt Dianne's house without further excitement, and she greeted us with warm soup and hot bread. Soooooooooo tasty!
That night I went to my mission reunion with my pal Ashlie. All my mission buddies were astonished to see me. I definitely earned the 'traveled the most miles to attend' award. It was nice to see them all and chat with my mission president and his wife. Anyways, afterwards we got lost but eventually found our way, and ate at this tasty steak house. It was a grand time and the food was superb.
Saturday and Sunday was conference and for the first time I attended a session of General Conference in the Conference center. It was not a life changing event and really did not change how the message was received(except I felt less prone to sleep in the conference center... hehehe). It was a neat experience.
Sunday afternoon we drove home and it was a smooth trip home. 48 hours on the road and 49 hours at the relatives. The long drive was definitely worth the stay, especially after eating Aunt Dianne's scrumtrelessant pies.
复活莭時為了看親戚我跟我的家人都開車了到犹他州去。我们的家籬那裡很遠，開車要大概20小時。出發後一開時很顺利，可是到wyoming 州時我们遇到了雪風报。糟糕！我们停了在那裡大概三個小時. 在這時候我的媽媽差一點就哭了吧，可是我们回到路上她馬上变得很開心。 之後我们就顺利到底我的阿姨的家。她準備了湯和面包等着我们！非常好吃！
那一天晚上我跟我的好朋友Ashlie 去参加在台湾傳過教傳教士的晚会。我看到了很多在台湾根我一起傳過教的人，也看到了王會張和他的姐妹。之候我们去了一家很有名的餐厅吃牛排。很好玩的一天！
礼拜六和礼拜天我们在我的阿姨的家看了教友大會。聽先知们的话很棒，我學了很多我應该做的事。礼拜天的下午我们就開車回家了。虽然到犹他州要開車20小时左右，我覺得值得來看我们的亲戚。還有阿姨所煮得饭和烤得苹果牌超好吃！
We arrived in Utah at my aunt Dianne's house without further excitement, and she greeted us with warm soup and hot bread. Soooooooooo tasty!
That night I went to my mission reunion with my pal Ashlie. All my mission buddies were astonished to see me. I definitely earned the 'traveled the most miles to attend' award. It was nice to see them all and chat with my mission president and his wife. Anyways, afterwards we got lost but eventually found our way, and ate at this tasty steak house. It was a grand time and the food was superb.
Saturday and Sunday was conference and for the first time I attended a session of General Conference in the Conference center. It was not a life changing event and really did not change how the message was received(except I felt less prone to sleep in the conference center... hehehe). It was a neat experience.
Sunday afternoon we drove home and it was a smooth trip home. 48 hours on the road and 49 hours at the relatives. The long drive was definitely worth the stay, especially after eating Aunt Dianne's scrumtrelessant pies.
复活莭時為了看親戚我跟我的家人都開車了到犹他州去。我们的家籬那裡很遠，開車要大概20小時。出發後一開時很顺利，可是到wyoming 州時我们遇到了雪風报。糟糕！我们停了在那裡大概三個小時. 在這時候我的媽媽差一點就哭了吧，可是我们回到路上她馬上变得很開心。 之後我们就顺利到底我的阿姨的家。她準備了湯和面包等着我们！非常好吃！
那一天晚上我跟我的好朋友Ashlie 去参加在台湾傳過教傳教士的晚会。我看到了很多在台湾根我一起傳過教的人，也看到了王會張和他的姐妹。之候我们去了一家很有名的餐厅吃牛排。很好玩的一天！
礼拜六和礼拜天我们在我的阿姨的家看了教友大會。聽先知们的话很棒，我學了很多我應该做的事。礼拜天的下午我们就開車回家了。虽然到犹他州要開車20小时左右，我覺得值得來看我们的亲戚。還有阿姨所煮得饭和烤得苹果牌超好吃！
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